Put your hands on the wheel...

Re-learning to drive...

Japan has a reputation for being one of the world's most difficult places to obtain a driver's license from the start. For the past 3 weeks, I have taken a series of inane, ridiculous and all-together logic-defying driving classes in preparation for my Japanese driver's license exam, which is tomorrow. You see, my international license has expired after my one year in Japan, and I now have to go through all the red tape and processes that an ordinary Japanese person does to obtain a license. So, starting at the oshiri-crack of dawn, I will get a ride to Nagaoka City (haven't been able to drive for over a week), stand in some lines, take a written test (apparently in English), wait around, stamp some things, and then take my driving test on a KB Toys Lego-style circular driving track, complete with other cars, motorcycles, busses and tractors. Foreigners who have taken the test have been known to be failed up to 10 successive times in a row, simply because the testers aren't looking for how well you drive, but for how well you've been able to learn their silly rules and motions and bumper-car like driving courses...which are all but useless and dangerous in real-life situations, like on a real street with actual cars.

Some examples of what I've learned with my $200 in driving class fees:

-Upon entering the car (after checking for children under your tires), you must immediately lock the door, put on your seatbelt, adjust your seat, adjust your mirror, check your sidemirrors and look straight, all in that order. Failure to do so docks major points.

-Start the car, put in park, hold handbrake while checking left mirror, check rearview, release brake, check right mirror, look over left and right shoulders after putting blinker on, and slowly accelerate. Failure to do all of these will also dock points.

This is all before the test even starts. Once on the track...

-you must memorize two course routes ahead of time
-you must stay exactly a foot or so away from the left stripe at all times, unless when turning right
-when using blinker, you must check rearview, start blinker, check sideview, look over shoulder, all while trying to drive straight
-your hands must always stay 10 and 2 on steering wheel, even when turning sharp corners, making you do a lot of hand-over-hand stuff
-turns must be taken at about 3 miles per hour, braking or accelerating during a turn will dock points
-running over the line on the side or overshooting a stop sign by even an inch is an instant fail
-forgetting to check left shoulder for bikes, or turning on a blinker 30 meters early, major points docked
-the entire test will be in Japanese

The whole time, my head and eyes have to be moving and looking for 'danger' in such an overcautious way that you'd think I have some sort of health disorder. Also, once I pass, I will be forced by law to place some huge, bright stickers on the front and rear of my car for one year, indicating that I'm a beginning driver and they'd better watch out for me and give me some extra 'training' room. I guess the whole I'VE BEEN DRIVING FOR 13 YEARS thing doesn't count here.

The whole system is ridiculous and originally I had the attitude that I could figure it out without lessons, until I slowly realized that because of the nature of this society and the hidden corruption and beaurocratic rigging, classes are essential because the driving schools actually seem to have a relationship to the driving test centers. So, paying your fees into their rigged little system will actually get you in and out faster than those who hadn't, and not just because you've learned the rules. I've heard stories of completely fluent foreigners who have been taught by friends or looked up the rules, and failed time after time until they took lessons and showed that they were pumping money into the driving test circle. When people fail even if things are done correctly, classes are recommended. After my last class yesterday, the teacher told me 'be sure you give the tester my name. You MUST say YOSHIOKA DRIVING SCHOOL'.

It's all just my own theory, but I do get the sense that I will pass on the first or second try even if I make a couple mistakes, just because I let go of my own notions and understood that buying into the scam will probably save me less stress in the long run. Because I must drive, and I must drive now. Rural Japan without a car is nothing but an apartment, a wait for a bus that never comes, a ride on a gramma bike, and lots of typhoon-drenched clothes...

...and don't forget that this is being written by the kid that payed off the Driver's Ed instructor in high school, using $50 and a trip to McDonalds to secure my Driver's Ed certificate without ever stepping foot in a driving school...aah, New Mexico...aah, Japan...

Now, I actually do have to do the right things tomorrow and make sure I don't drive off the course or floor it through a red light. Classes or no, I think they'll have SOME standards...